I have lost way too many friends over the past 5 years - the hardest of all but be my bestest Kagiso - when I got the phone call my knees caved under me and I couldn't even speak - it was so unreal, so painful - I don't really like to remember what went through my body at that moment.
I knew Kagiso from the first day of standard 6 in 1998 and we were friends from the get go - we got up to much nonsense together, she was my support, my rock and my foundation - my best friend! When I think of her I think of late nights, autumn harvest, boyfriend trouble, decorex, rose garden .. I really could go on and on as we had so many years of memories, tears, laughs and a few scary moments thrown in for good measure! Kagiso was sick - she lost the fight on the 14th August 2008 and never told anyone that she was sick - why didn't she tell anyone - why didn't I phone her a week before her death when I thought of her? I haven't gotten over her death - I think about her and miss her every single day and I wish she was here to watch Phoenix grow up - I wish she could be here when I get married ... I was given the chance to speak at her funeral and after a long internal war with myself I decided that if I never did it I would regret it for the rest of my life - it was certainly the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my whole life - having to walk past her coffin and say goodbye - I cant and wont say goodbye. Face to Face my dear friend!
I met Gareth the same year he took his own life and I was completely blown away at his kindness, his gentleness, his openness to the world and people around him - yet to think he hid away so much pain from his friends and family. Christmas 2005 I bought him a dream catcher as I would sit up with him so many nights talking about the bad dreams that haunt him - 6 days later he took his life - alone - as Gareth wanted to be. He left his girlfriend Brenda and his mom a personal letter as well as a message to all his friends. The one thing that haunts me is the fact that he took his life on New Years Eve so while everyone was out celebrating the end of a new year and start of another he was out that night, alone, ready to take his life 31 December 2005! I still have his dream catcher above my bed!
Niels - possibly the best intern we had at CapeTownMagazine.com - such a beautiful person - so welcoming, so happy - Neils went on a trip in October 2008 and was killed in a car accident - it was a huge blow to everyone - the office was not the same after that, he was someone that I couldn't wait to see everyday and now I wont see him again for a long time - he crept into our hearts the day he walked into the office, with his big smile, his quirky sense of humor and just being Neils.
Juan - my Kobus ... I am having a hard time writing about him, he was my silent hero, he would sit with quietly with me when I needed a friend and I will forever treasure that - he was down in Cape Town for a holiday and we had plans to meet when they came back from Gordon's Bay - he never came back - the ocean took his life and every time I go to the beach I think of him - a few months after his death my sister came to visit me and we went to where he lost his life - I broke down and I think the hardest for me was that I had no one who knew him with me to soften the blow. Juan lost his life to the ocean on the 27th of December 2009.
Shaun and Gavin - brothers - double blow - they both died in a car accident - was so tragic - losing two friends like that but I can put how I feel aside because his family is who really has my heart, being a mother I cant even imagine what their mom must have gone{and is still going}through, Shaun was the funniest person in his own right - never being able to walk from the kitchen to the lounge without spilling his drink - he had a soft spot for hot blondes! Gavin, I never very well, we were in the same circle of friends but he was certainly a character of note - the saying that 'when your friend hurts, you hurt' is so true because my friends lost a friend and it hurts. Gavin lost his life on the 13th October 2010 and Shaun lost his on the 14th October 2010.
Its so sad that when we lose someone close to us we stand together and make a promise to phone our friends when we think of them and to be good to them because we never know when we will lose them - but then life takes it usual role and takes over and we yet again forget our friends.
They say that writing or talking about death helps with the healing process - I don't think it does - not for me anyway - everyday is an emotional battle as the memories of my friends are in everything around me.
I hope that 'I will see you again' is true and not just something that is said to make people feel better.
xoxo
I love you all SO much in your own way - you all will have a permanent place in my heart and in my life and I think about you all every single day.
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