It's a Love-Hate thing...

Recently I have been dwelling on who I am as a person, from the way I sleep to what perfume I wear and why - strange it may be but I have convinced myself that being under my own microscope is good for soul.

I live an ordinary life. I've almost accepted that. Almost.

Let me clarify, when I say ordinary, I mean normal, average, run of the mill, commonplace. Mundane. Clear?

I know, I know, I should be grateful. Ordinary has it's up-side. I could be some human mutant with skin stretchy enough to be able to wrap my lower lip over the top of my head, or and über-fertile woman prone to giving birth to sextuplets and now be a proud mother of thirty-six indistinguishable, media-loving brats or someone who really does train-spot. Then my life would be considerably worse than the one I am leading now, but even knowing this is not much comfort as it should be.

I might have an ordinary life but it's not a terribly boring one as my daughter fills those awful silent moments I used to dread, with so much laughter and joy and silly antics - she is the love of my life and I have a partner who is completely and utterly mad about me, that still, after all this time thinks I am sexy, which at sometimes is possibly the most annoying thing ever as I obviously don't see the same person he does, but even when I growl at him or brush it off when he tells me I'm sexy, deep down inside it's an ego rush that I couldn't compare to anything else.

I have great friends, I have lost a lot of friends since moving to Cape Town, and before I was completely cut up about it but now I am so relieved because, sadly, I regarded them as my friends but they just knew me or saw me as an 'acquaintance' and at least I now know that I no longer have to waste my time on them.

I'm getting side-tracked...

I want to have a quick run down on what makes my day and what makes me want to tear my hair out strand by strand from the root.

I hate littering - I love it when I see someone pick something up (that wasn't theirs) and throw it away
I hate people that push in queues - I love seeing a young person give way to an older person, or a man giving up his seat for a woman.
I hate unmade beds - I love it when its made with fresh linen
I hate 'one-sip-left' milk left in the fridge - I love it when my fridge is full
I hate winter - I love spring
I hate being cold - I love cuddling next to Justin's warm body
I hate people that want you to listen to their problems but don't give you the time of day when you need a shoulder to cry on - I love knowing I have people that I can phone at 3 in the morning if I need to
I hate onions - I love the smell of frying onions

The list goes on, but I want to keep you as a reader so I won't bore you with the rest.

Just one more thing ...

I absolutely love flowers - they heal, they are important. They are so much more than a cheerful, colourful present. Flowers are there when you are born and all the way through until we die. They offer comfort and assurance; plus they articulate stuff most people can't manage. People need flowers to say sorry and thank you, and cheer up, and I love you, and all the other difficult we inadequate humans can't bring ourselves to say - just like music.

Music is the other love in my life.

xoxo

*extracts from Love Lies by Adele Parks

Lives Lost

As amazing as Facebook is, it also has its downsides, such as keeping profiles of friends that have lost their lives - its great to be able to see pictures of them but it is so bittersweet ... so heart breaking!

I have lost way too many friends over the past 5 years - the hardest of all but be my bestest Kagiso - when I got the phone call my knees caved under me and I couldn't even speak - it was so unreal, so painful - I don't really like to remember what went through my body at that moment.

I knew Kagiso from the first day of standard 6 in 1998 and we were friends from the get go - we got up to much nonsense together, she was my support, my rock and my foundation - my best friend! When I think of her I think of late nights, autumn harvest, boyfriend trouble, decorex, rose garden .. I really could go on and on as we had so many years of memories, tears, laughs and a few scary moments thrown in for good measure! Kagiso was sick - she lost the fight on the 14th August 2008 and never told anyone that she was sick - why didn't she tell anyone - why didn't I phone her a week before her death when I thought of her? I haven't gotten over her death - I think about her and miss her every single day and I wish she was here to watch Phoenix grow up - I wish she could be here when I get married ... I was given the chance to speak at her funeral and after a long internal war with myself I decided that if I never did it I would regret it for the rest of my life - it was certainly the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my whole life - having to walk past her coffin and say goodbye - I cant and wont say goodbye. Face to Face my dear friend!

I met Gareth the same year he took his own life and I was completely blown away at his kindness, his gentleness, his openness to the world and people around him - yet to think he hid away so much pain from his friends and family. Christmas 2005 I bought him a dream catcher as I would sit up with him so many nights talking about the bad dreams that haunt him - 6 days later he took his life - alone - as Gareth wanted to be. He left his girlfriend Brenda and his mom a personal letter as well as a message to all his friends. The one thing that haunts me is the fact that he took his life on New Years Eve so while everyone was out celebrating the end of a new year and start of another he was out that night, alone, ready to take his life 31 December 2005! I still have his dream catcher above my bed!

Niels - possibly the best intern we had at CapeTownMagazine.com - such a beautiful person - so welcoming, so happy - Neils went on a trip in October 2008 and was killed in a car accident - it was a huge blow to everyone - the office was not the same after that, he was someone that I couldn't wait to see everyday and now I wont see him again for a long time - he crept into our hearts the day he walked into the office, with his big smile, his quirky sense of humor and just being Neils.

Juan - my Kobus ... I am having a hard time writing about him, he was my silent hero, he would sit with quietly with me when I needed a friend and I will forever treasure that - he was down in Cape Town for a holiday and we had plans to meet when they came back from Gordon's Bay - he never came back - the ocean took his life and every time I go to the beach I think of him - a few months after his death my sister came to visit me and we went to where he lost his life - I broke down and I think the hardest for me was that I had no one who knew him with me to soften the blow. Juan lost his life to the ocean on the 27th of December 2009.

Shaun and Gavin - brothers - double blow - they both died in a car accident - was so tragic - losing two friends like that but I can put how I feel aside because his family is who really has my heart, being a mother I cant even imagine what their mom must have gone{and is still going}through, Shaun was the funniest person in his own right - never being able to walk from the kitchen to the lounge without spilling his drink - he had a soft spot for hot blondes! Gavin, I never very well, we were in the same circle of friends but he was certainly a character of note - the saying that 'when your friend hurts, you hurt' is so true because my friends lost a friend and it hurts. Gavin lost his life on the 13th October 2010 and Shaun lost his on the 14th October 2010.

Its so sad that when we lose someone close to us we stand together and make a promise to phone our friends when we think of them and to be good to them because we never know when we will lose them - but then life takes it usual role and takes over and we yet again forget our friends.

They say that writing or talking about death helps with the healing process - I don't think it does - not for me anyway - everyday is an emotional battle as the memories of my friends are in everything around me.

I hope that 'I will see you again' is true and not just something that is said to make people feel better.

xoxo



I love you all SO much in your own way - you all will have a permanent place in my heart and in my life and I think about you all every single day.