It's a Love-Hate thing...

Recently I have been dwelling on who I am as a person, from the way I sleep to what perfume I wear and why - strange it may be but I have convinced myself that being under my own microscope is good for soul.

I live an ordinary life. I've almost accepted that. Almost.

Let me clarify, when I say ordinary, I mean normal, average, run of the mill, commonplace. Mundane. Clear?

I know, I know, I should be grateful. Ordinary has it's up-side. I could be some human mutant with skin stretchy enough to be able to wrap my lower lip over the top of my head, or and über-fertile woman prone to giving birth to sextuplets and now be a proud mother of thirty-six indistinguishable, media-loving brats or someone who really does train-spot. Then my life would be considerably worse than the one I am leading now, but even knowing this is not much comfort as it should be.

I might have an ordinary life but it's not a terribly boring one as my daughter fills those awful silent moments I used to dread, with so much laughter and joy and silly antics - she is the love of my life and I have a partner who is completely and utterly mad about me, that still, after all this time thinks I am sexy, which at sometimes is possibly the most annoying thing ever as I obviously don't see the same person he does, but even when I growl at him or brush it off when he tells me I'm sexy, deep down inside it's an ego rush that I couldn't compare to anything else.

I have great friends, I have lost a lot of friends since moving to Cape Town, and before I was completely cut up about it but now I am so relieved because, sadly, I regarded them as my friends but they just knew me or saw me as an 'acquaintance' and at least I now know that I no longer have to waste my time on them.

I'm getting side-tracked...

I want to have a quick run down on what makes my day and what makes me want to tear my hair out strand by strand from the root.

I hate littering - I love it when I see someone pick something up (that wasn't theirs) and throw it away
I hate people that push in queues - I love seeing a young person give way to an older person, or a man giving up his seat for a woman.
I hate unmade beds - I love it when its made with fresh linen
I hate 'one-sip-left' milk left in the fridge - I love it when my fridge is full
I hate winter - I love spring
I hate being cold - I love cuddling next to Justin's warm body
I hate people that want you to listen to their problems but don't give you the time of day when you need a shoulder to cry on - I love knowing I have people that I can phone at 3 in the morning if I need to
I hate onions - I love the smell of frying onions

The list goes on, but I want to keep you as a reader so I won't bore you with the rest.

Just one more thing ...

I absolutely love flowers - they heal, they are important. They are so much more than a cheerful, colourful present. Flowers are there when you are born and all the way through until we die. They offer comfort and assurance; plus they articulate stuff most people can't manage. People need flowers to say sorry and thank you, and cheer up, and I love you, and all the other difficult we inadequate humans can't bring ourselves to say - just like music.

Music is the other love in my life.

xoxo

*extracts from Love Lies by Adele Parks

Dorothy in the land of Oz!

I find myself constantly recalling what I like to call my 'past' life where it was all about 'drugs and rock 'n roll' I know that more people than I can count on my one hand have been down the beaten path so it should not be a scandal that I too found myself flying down this road on a magical, drugged up carpet both surrounded by people and on more than one occasion alone which is probably the saddest part of the story. There were times when I loved that life, I loved not being in control of my mind for a few hours, I loved feeling the music pulse through every single fiber of my being, I loved feeling colours wrap around my hand, I loved seeing trees morph into weird and wonderful creatures ... I was Dorothy in the land of Oz!

Everyone assumes drugs are all about escapism but they weren't in my case. I am and always have been loved by the people around me (even when I was a stroppy 16 year old teenager), so what would I need to escape from? They were there to make my life more vivid, at least for a while. They accelerated and accentuated my feelings of ecstatic giddiness, until they stopped doing that - they stopped being something I just enjoyed, they became something I had to have.

In many ways I wish I hadn't ever found drugs, of course I do, I'm not insane. I prefer waking up in the morning with a clear memory of the night before. I prefer waking up in the morning and finding that if I do have a clear memory of what happened, that I'm not paralysed with shame and regret. I simply prefer waking up in the morning. One of the turning points for me was realising that taking drugs seriously reduced the chances of any of these three things happening. The other was my overnight stay in a government facility - don't think I need to elaborate on that.

I have been clean for 3 1/2 years today! Yay for me!

I certainly don't miss that life, I can still close my eyes and allow the music to pulse through my body all by itself and honestly, that is better than anything a drug could have given me. I am not ashamed of that life though, I never stole family heirlooms, ransacked a friends house or wandered the streets of Hillbrow looking for my next hit - it was 'clean' - I know the word clean is a hypercritical one but it was, we had, it was finished and the night was done until the next weekend.That was it. I learnt lessons. I hit rock bottom. I flew high. I found friends. I lost friends. I lost myself. I found myself.

xoxo

*extracts from Love Lies by Adele Parks