Curiosity = Control

I came across a Facebook group today by accident and the moment I looked at it I knew I shouldn't read any further but my natural and hungry curiosity takes complete control and overpowers all logic and sense - and it deafens the little angel that is talking to me - telling me not to do it ... but I do it anyway and whats the outcome...?

Head in my hands trying to control the tears, the pain, the hurt - the sheer helplessness for a family I have never even met - they lost their baby to CHD on the 3rd October - he was born on the 18 September.

The photographs are haunting and the blog of his mom reaches into a piece of my soul that I have never exposed to anyone - I want to find her and just hold her for ever and ever and try not let the wind hurt the open wound she will carry for the rest of her life.

I have always being saddened by stories of loss and deep grief but since becoming a mother there is another side of my sensitivity that was born the day my daughter was born - its almost like an invisible link that connects us emotionally to other mothers, because we all know loss, we have all experienced it in some way but you will never fear a loss as much as the loss of a child and then to loss one ... there are no words.

My mom lost her third child at the age of 5 in a drowning accident and it has haunted our family for over 30 years and the saying 'time heals all wounds' does not work in this case.

A friend of mine once told me - 'you never get over something, you just learn how to live with it.'

I look at my daughter and I wonder who and what I was before she came into my life and to even have a passing {and fearful} thought of losing her cripples me straight to the bone!

I wish I had more control of my curiosity - but on the other hand - it makes me wiser to what I have and the knowledge to not take a single moment for granted - I think that this knowledge is forgotten too quickly.

There is nothing like the love of a mother!

Live and Love - everyday!

xoxo

Mud Pies and Milkshake Bubbles!

You know, its pretty silly really how sometimes I feel I need to use big, important words in this blog - to make it poetic - that's a load of bull! This is my blog and should be an extension of my mind and my thoughts and if I still think of making mud cakes and blowing bubbles in my milkshake with my straw then that's how it is - I'm not going to pretend to be some kind of Maya Angelou {although I sometimes wish I was as profound as she is} its just not going to happen. {although I do promise to check my spelling}

If I feel poetically expressive one day then that's what you will get but for now, its mud pies and milkshake bubbles.

Things have been super hectic the last couple of days with moving house with a baby and not having everything packed on the day we are moving is not something I would do again and it freaks me out completely that things weren't in working order - a bit tough for someone that has to-do lists for my to-do lists.

The house we have just moved to is slowly but surely starting to feel like a home, just a few more tweaks and a minor ant infestation but nothing worth pulling my hair out for I guess.

Although I feel a tinge of nostalgia when I think of our old place cos it was Phoenix's first home - so many memories of her in that place but I make myself feel better by saying that the memories are in my head and heart and that there will be so many more memories! I just hope and pray and BEG that we don't have to move again soon - I really want a home now, a place that I wont have to leave in a year's time - cos that it possibly the most frustrating thing ever - especially for such a sentimental person as myself.

I'm off now to make my mud pies and bubbles and try and forget that I'm a completely stressed out adult!

xoxo

Bloggish!!

That's right all you oxford dictionary freaks - BLOGGISH! {its a new word that might make me millions one day - do people that come up with new words get paid?}

Bloggish! That's how I feel every night when I'm lying in bed waiting for sleep to come and rescue me, and every morning in the shower, while brushing me teeth ... actually - every freaking waking moment, and recently every sleeping moment ...

Wondering what bloggish is?

Its the obsession that has run rampage in my life .... what can I blog about today? what can I write about that will get people talking, laughing or even sitting back in their chair in awe of my inspiring words - and then it hits me! the PERFECT topic but then that's it - that's all I have - a topic - a subject line - and I feel defeated yet again.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blog - well! that doesn't help much does it?! *sigh*

Is blogging a competition? 'My blog is better than your blog" - NEH NEH NEH NEH NEH!

As far as I know a 'blog' is a outlet for the thoughts in your head {which I have MANY of} I just sometimes wish that I had a direct link to my blog through my head - then the words would be coming fast and furious -  I am still amazed at what a 'little' Stephanie Meyer mixed with a touch of Steven King I can be in my head.

But I will try this 'oulet' thing

These are the topics I have had swimming around for awhile now ...

1. Phoenix {could go and on and on and on - *gushing mom*}
2. Mannequins ... those damn skinny mannequins that always look so great no matter what they are wearing
3. Girls that have dark eye lashes but STILL insist on wearing an overdose of mascara
4. Love {is that not done to death already}
5. Hate - mmmm?
6. Religion - {that's a tough one}
7. Sushi vs Gatsby's

OK - that's enough topics for one day - maybe, just maybe I will have more to each that I can actually write about {expect for #1 of course}

I'm out!

xoxo

Sanity vs Hip Hop!

So ... here I am - jumping on the blogging band wagon (is that one word or two?) - I'm too lazy to check so I'll just leave it as is - this is a blog you know and therefore I can spell like I've never been to school and I can use language that a sailor would be ashamed of... right? Or do I have this blogging thing all wrong?

Either way - let me see if I have a knack for this ...

Everyday I walk to and from work - which is a good 20 minute walk, 20 minutes ALL to myself is bliss you would think but actually its not all that, I spend my time with these damn random thoughts that run through my head - I've even convinced myself once that there is DEFINITELY an alien in my head, there is just no way that one person can think up so much !@$% - shit, I forgot that I'm allowed to swear.

I sometimes have a good giggle at myself at the nonsense that finds its way into my head and every time I shake it off I find myself justifying my thoughts which leads to another rampage of thoughts ... its a vicious cycle ... sigh!

I guess if you cant laugh at yourself then something is wrong ... right?

I want to share something with you... more of a vent session actually...

There is this clothing store on Long Street in Cape Town called Traffic that I walk past every morning and every afternoon and a few minutes before I get there I encourage myself that today is the day I go in and sample some of the clothes that tease me from the store window and I psych myself up so much that I feel like I'm the living (female) version of Rocky ... so, this is it - I'm going in - I walk head up, shoulders back ... deep breath and then I hear it ... the LOUD BLARING hip hop music coming from inside the store and I am immediately repulsed and so, yet again goes another day I am unable to go into Traffic.

I walk away feeling defeated by this noise they call music and  I can feel how smug the music becomes as I walk past ... DAMMIT!

I am all for music 'makes the world go around' but hell, that makes the world want to creep back into itself, so I ask you , do I sacrifice my sanity for clothes I'll 10 to 1 never wear or do I let this ..... 'music' have its way?

xoxo