Curiosity = Control

I came across a Facebook group today by accident and the moment I looked at it I knew I shouldn't read any further but my natural and hungry curiosity takes complete control and overpowers all logic and sense - and it deafens the little angel that is talking to me - telling me not to do it ... but I do it anyway and whats the outcome...?

Head in my hands trying to control the tears, the pain, the hurt - the sheer helplessness for a family I have never even met - they lost their baby to CHD on the 3rd October - he was born on the 18 September.

The photographs are haunting and the blog of his mom reaches into a piece of my soul that I have never exposed to anyone - I want to find her and just hold her for ever and ever and try not let the wind hurt the open wound she will carry for the rest of her life.

I have always being saddened by stories of loss and deep grief but since becoming a mother there is another side of my sensitivity that was born the day my daughter was born - its almost like an invisible link that connects us emotionally to other mothers, because we all know loss, we have all experienced it in some way but you will never fear a loss as much as the loss of a child and then to loss one ... there are no words.

My mom lost her third child at the age of 5 in a drowning accident and it has haunted our family for over 30 years and the saying 'time heals all wounds' does not work in this case.

A friend of mine once told me - 'you never get over something, you just learn how to live with it.'

I look at my daughter and I wonder who and what I was before she came into my life and to even have a passing {and fearful} thought of losing her cripples me straight to the bone!

I wish I had more control of my curiosity - but on the other hand - it makes me wiser to what I have and the knowledge to not take a single moment for granted - I think that this knowledge is forgotten too quickly.

There is nothing like the love of a mother!

Live and Love - everyday!

xoxo

Mud Pies and Milkshake Bubbles!

You know, its pretty silly really how sometimes I feel I need to use big, important words in this blog - to make it poetic - that's a load of bull! This is my blog and should be an extension of my mind and my thoughts and if I still think of making mud cakes and blowing bubbles in my milkshake with my straw then that's how it is - I'm not going to pretend to be some kind of Maya Angelou {although I sometimes wish I was as profound as she is} its just not going to happen. {although I do promise to check my spelling}

If I feel poetically expressive one day then that's what you will get but for now, its mud pies and milkshake bubbles.

Things have been super hectic the last couple of days with moving house with a baby and not having everything packed on the day we are moving is not something I would do again and it freaks me out completely that things weren't in working order - a bit tough for someone that has to-do lists for my to-do lists.

The house we have just moved to is slowly but surely starting to feel like a home, just a few more tweaks and a minor ant infestation but nothing worth pulling my hair out for I guess.

Although I feel a tinge of nostalgia when I think of our old place cos it was Phoenix's first home - so many memories of her in that place but I make myself feel better by saying that the memories are in my head and heart and that there will be so many more memories! I just hope and pray and BEG that we don't have to move again soon - I really want a home now, a place that I wont have to leave in a year's time - cos that it possibly the most frustrating thing ever - especially for such a sentimental person as myself.

I'm off now to make my mud pies and bubbles and try and forget that I'm a completely stressed out adult!

xoxo